23

By Whitney Graham

Happy Birthday to me

I didn’t think I would reach this age;

I am learning that adulthood means

accomplishing what you never believed you could

I left my body for dead in 2018

yet somehow my spirit floated ahead,

anticipating the rest of me to catch up eventually

Though my mind’s been begging me

to catch up on these zs for eternity

Internally struggling

‘cause this hustling’s too much

matter on the mind

They tell me to just put mind over matter,

say the weight I’m carrying is invisible,

only exists in my mind

Call that mind overthinking

light matters at the speed of light

waves hit my pupils til’ the pressure’s too much

So much salt water’s in my eyes,

I’s can’t recognize reality from fantasy

They say the weight I’m carrying is divisible,

but I’ve never been one for math

got a heart attack from my mind creating problems

with no solution in sight

I didn’t think I would reach this age;

back at the hospital

back...back..back at it again

Hustling, struggling

to make a name in this city

which does not know I exist,

couldn’t care less if I left myself for dead

When I left trail marks of my suicidality

turn stain marks on my sisters’ cheeks

become lead marks in my notebooks

while in the hospital

‘Cause I told my therapist I put mind over matter

as in, I listened to my Demons, rather than my Logic

can’t go home, might lodge a knife in this skin

back...back...at it again

If the weight I’m carrying is divisible,

how much of my body do I have to divide

to become light once more?

back when this matter was only stardust

I’ve left my body for dead;

ain’t nobody coming to my funeral

But if you show up...

make sure they tie me to the casket,

washboard style like I lived my life

Leave the cover open

for everyone to see this mangled body of water

with oceanic wounds

Tape my eyes open

so everyone see observe the cloudy, salty eyes

I saw my life through

I can’t tell reality from fantasy

but I know that today is my birthday

May 17th, 2019

I am now 23

I tried not to reach this age;

I am learning that adulthood means

accomplishing what you never believed you could